Funny Quotes

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams The road to success is always under construction. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman "Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!! How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost? Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives. Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? Hold my purse.'